Howlers
by Dina45
Summary: Just funny stories about people reciving Howlers! NOTE: has profanity
1. Snape

Please Enjoy!

Just a funny fanfic about the Marauders sending howlers.

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

It was a bright, happy, sunny morning at Hogwarts. The birds were singing, butterflies swooping through the air, flowers-

"PROFESSOR SNAPE'S GOT A HOWLER!"

Indeed, this was true. The barn owl had dropped the howler in his lap and had already begun to smoke. Harry briefly wondered who would send him one. BANG! The letter exploded open.

"WHAT THE FUCK, SNIVILLUS!" Harry hadn't expected his father's voice to be coming out. "YOU ALWAYS SAID I WAS A BULLY AND THEN YOU GO AND BULLY MY SON? NOT BLOODY OKAY! OW!" James seemed to be shoved aside and Sirius' voice took over. "I KNEW YOU WERE A GREASY-HAIRED GIT! LEAVE MY GODSON ALONE! LOOK AT THAT MOONY, YOU ALWAYS TOLD US TO LEAVE THE PRAT ALONE AND NOW-" Sirius' voice, too, left and Remus' entered. "I'm terribly sorry, Severus, lord knows how they even found out, hey are you lot stalking Harry? James, you know that's not very- bloody hell!" Lily's voice echoed through the hall. Harry wanted to disappear on the spot, and he could tell Snape felt the same way, especially when Lily began talking.

" **SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW DARE YOU BOTHER MY LITTLE BOY! HAVE YOU NOT TORMENTED ME ENOUGH? WHY UPSET MY SON? AND STILL, HE IS TOO GOOD TO YOU! HE HASN'T SAID A THING! IF MOLLY HADN'T TOLD ME, HE WOULD HAVE PUT UP WITH IT! LEAVE HIM ALONE, SEVERUS! DID OUR FRIENDSHIP MEAN SO LITTLE THAT YOU SAW FIT TO BULLY MY CHILD? AND IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEN LET ME BE CLEAR."**

She took a deep breath. She was no longer shouting, her voice simply a deadly whisper. "I warn you. If I hear from anybody, or in anyway, that you are being rude to my son, you know what? If I even find out you take points from my son, give him detention, or torment him, I don't care if he deserves it," she somehow had managed to know when Snape would protest. "You will give him a free reign. And if you don't heed this warning, then I will hunt you down. That is the Mudblood's promise to you. Good day, Severus."

They heard Lily's footsteps as she left the room. The whole hall was silent. "Bloody hell," said Sirius. "Your wife has gone mad, Prongs." "Yeah," said James. They obviously didn't realize that the howler was still recording. "Never thought I'd see the day she'd shout at old Snivilly. Guess he pushed the last button." There was a sigh. "I'm bored." Said Sirius. "Same," said James. "Moony," they said together. "What now?" "Go to hell, James. I think your wife has finally killed me." "You'll be fine. However, this is why I will never marry. James married for all of us." "Padfoot," James groaned. "I'm not kidding. Lily fulfills all the wifely duties such as cooking cleaning, laundry, female companion, that softness none of you ungrateful arses give me," Remus snorted. "What was your last birthday present, chopped liver?" Sirius ignored him and continued talking. "The only thing she doesn't give is sex, and how hard is it to go find a chick, fuck her in the bar? Zero effort!" The eyes of the first and second years except for Harry, who was used to this, widened the size of gaellons. "So, I am in no need of a wife." "Shit," said James. "The things still recording. How in the bloody world do you turn the damn thing off?" at this point some of the more innocent first years were hyperventilating, having heard more curse words in ten minutes then their entire lives. "Give it to me. Mother having sent me millions of howlers when I got sorted into Gryffindor. Wait do we keep it or send it?" "Keep it, obviously. The thing recorded a full blown conversation. Do you want all of Hogwarts hearing it?" said James. "No, but Lily's message. Do we risk a conversation or Lily's wrath?" "Conversation," said all three Marauders. "So, uh, I dunno, bye?" said James. They heard somebody whack his head. "Honestly, how stupid are you? Again very sorry, Severus, but Harry's got lots of Guardians since he's the child of all the Marauders. I'd advise everyone to leave him be, or at least make sure none of us fine out." The howler shredded itself onto Snape's coffee. Fifteen minutes later the noise level was at it's usual and Ron said, "Your mum is so badass!"


	2. Harry

Please enjoy! In this, Lily and James are alive, Peter didn't betray them, the traitor was Aberforth Dumbledore, and Harry was a prankster.

Harry blamed the Daily Prophet. If they would refrain from writing about everything he did, he wouldn't have gotten into this situation. Sometimes he hated his title. _The Boy Who Lived._ Lucky for him his parents were only gravely injured, not killed but still his mother's attempted sacrifice saved him. After that the papers had Harry Potter all over. Harry's first word, Harry's first solid food, Harry's first bloody friend. His mother had wanted him to go to a muggle preschool but by the third week the prophet got wind of it and had swarmed the school with paparazzi. The teachers, who had never heard of Harry Potter wondered if maybe they were missing out on the latest news. Then came Hogwarts. Harry's house, Harry's friends Harry's enemies. Draco Malfoy and Snape had both gotten hate mail for treating Harry how they did. Harry often felt that they had a spy in Hogwarts placed for him. To make matters worse, his guardians consisted of the Marauders, and they did an excellent job embarrassing Harry as it was. Even though he was in his third year, they still sent Snape howlers and charmed objects. Harry had let his inner prankster out with some help from the Marauders. His latest prank had made it into the morning papers. Harry didn't regret that at the slightest, he simply wished his mother hadn't found out. But when he saw the scarlet red envelope Hedwig dropped in his lap, he lost the hope he had been clinging to. He watched as the letter smoked, wondering what was in it. The letter exploded.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW DARE YOU! YOUR PRANK WAS IN THE MORNING PAPER! I HAD TEN DIFFERENT MUMS TELL ME ABOUT IT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP PRANKING! I EVEN FORBADE ZONKO'S FROM SELLING YOU PRODUCTS! HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU MANAGE TO PULL THIS? TURNING HUMANS TO ANIMALS HARRY? DO YOU KNOW HOW- "

Four different voices sounded in the back round.

"FLOWER!" James.

"EVANS!" Sirius.

"LILS!" Remus.

"LILY!" Peter.

They could hear Lily's groan and footsteps getting close. "Hey Flower I was thinking should I apply for that job we found Friday?" asked Remus. "Lilykins, I swear, there was this guy at the Auror office demanding to speak with Barty Jr. he was such a tool….." said James. "Lily, can you make something, I'm hungry." Whined Peter. "Evans entertain me, I'm bored…" the four men kept on talking about meaningless things and Harry winced. His mother had a lot of responsibility because… "OI!" shouted Lily from the howler. The four men shut up. "Okay, can't you see I'm doing something?" she asked. "Sure, you're sending a letter, why is this so…. That's a howler! Oh, oh, is it for Snivillus?" asked Sirius excitedly. "No, for Harry." Replied Lily. "What? Why?" asked the Marauders together. "Because of a prank he pulled…" "Really? Why am I just finding out now?" asked James. "Do tell." "He turned all the students minus himself into the animals of their house. Would you like to say something to Harry, James?" "YES! HARRY THAT IS ABSOLUTLY BRILLIANT! WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT, DID WE PADFOOT?" "NO Prongs, we didn't. well done, Harry, I'm so proud of you," said his godfather's voice. "That really is impressive Harry, very advanced Transfiguration, amazing!" said Remus. "Good job Harry, I didn't think you had it in you." Said Peter. "POTTER! BLACK! LUPIN! PETTIGREW!" howled Lily. "THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DISIPLINE MY SON! YOU SOULD BE DISCOARAGING SUCH ACTIONS! IT WAS IN THE GODDAMN PAPERS THIS MORING! THIS IS ALL YOU FAULT POTTER! NO DON'T ANY OF YOU TRY TO RUN AWAY! LOCOMOTER WIBBLY! IF I HADN'T MARRIED YOU, THEN YOU AND YOUR GANG WOULDN'T HAVE CORRUPTED MY SON! EVEYBODY WARNED ME! DON'T MARRY POTTER, YOU WILL REGRET IT! NOW LOOK WHERE I AM! A PRANKING SON AND FOUR BLOODY HUSBANDS!" "Now, Lily calm down," said Remus. "NO REMUS, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! IF ONLY POTTER HAD HAD THE DECENCY TO TELL ME IF YOU MARRY ONE MARAUDER, YOU MARRY THEM ALL! DON'T EVEN TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF, BLACK! YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! I COOK FOR ALL OF YOU, CLEAN FOR ALL OF YOU, SO BY ALL STANDARDS I DO HAVE FOUR HUBBIES! THE ONLY THING I DON'T DO IS PHYSICAL PLEASURE!" The whole hall winced and covered the ears of the younger students. "AND HERE YOU ARE ENCOURAGING- mmm, hmm…" "Harry," whispered Sirius, even though it was amplified by the howler. "Your dad's distracting her for a bit, I promise I will try to survive." "SIRIUS BLACK! DON'T THINK I- AGH! PUT ME DOWN! SIRIUS! NO! PUT ME" Lily's screams faded away. "Sorry, about that, Harry. Your mum will be alright. Good job on the prank, please write on how you did it, because it takes lots of advanced transfiguration and charms to pull that off, not to mention potions. I know your dad and Siri want to know too. We love you, Harry, and please, get up to no good." The letter shredded itself up.


End file.
